My wife loves massages. If we had the means I think she would be happy to have one every single day. I on the other hand like a nice back rub, but cannot say I am such a big fan of the formal massage. I especially hate deep tissue type massages (the sensation of moving my muscle/tendons over bony prominences makes me extremely uncomfortable).
Since being married, Katherine has gotten me to come with her to spas on two occasions, both of which have been awkward experiences for me. Spas are strange places to those who don’t visit them regularly. You show up and they always make you put on their own slippers (it is not relaxing for me to put my bare feet into slippers 100 other people have worn), you sit around in bath robes drinking tea, you end up alone in a room with a table and some sheets on it (am I supposed to leave my boxers on?), and they always ask me strange questions and seem befuddled when I don’t know what they are talking about (“Sir would you like an eye pillow?”, I’m sorry did you say an eye pillow?). Anyway, I always feel like I am in some club where I don’t belong and I am probably right.
Back to the point of my story. I’m sure many of you have heard that one of the things to do in Thailand is to get massages as they are incredibly cheap and plentiful. On Ko Chang, this is certainly the case as there are innumerable “spas” offering 60 minute massages for roughly $8. Katherine has been waiting to get one of these for most of our trip, so last night she decided to go ahead with it and I decided I might as well try one out too. We decided on the 60 minute Thai massage at the most reputable looking spa we could find. Ooops…
Right off the bat we were in the freaking communal slippers. Things got a bit better after that… they gently cleaned our feet with some kind of rough sand or salt. Then we were ushered into the massage room/torture chamber. This time we were left alone in the room with a shirt and pants on the table (no worries about the boxer dilemma). Our masseuses arrived and told us to lie on our backs. Within about a minute, mine was pressing all of her weight into her palms which were firmly placed over my inguinal canals (read groin area). I could feel my femoral arteries beating against the pressure, furiously trying to keep circulation going to my legs (nothing about this felt good). Shortly after this, my left leg was bent at the knee and the masseuse was jamming her heel into my ischial tuberosity (bony prominence in your rear), holding onto my thigh and leaning off of the back of the table. I could feel my hip trying to dislocate. Suddenly the pressure abated, but now my leg was straight and she was performing the mother of all hamstring stretches. Shooting pain radiated up and down my leg as my muscle fibers seemed about to completely explode. Then it was back to the inguinal area this time with the elbow instead of the palm (not good). I glanced over to my left at my wife who was in the same position, but completely calm with her eyes closed. I on the other hand was on high alert in a cold sweat and kept thinking that the worst part of all this was that the exact same series of events was about to happen to my RIGHT leg.
After some number of hellish minutes I rolled onto my stomach and she began to work on my back. Things started out ok again. Some oil was placed and there was a bit of light rubbing. Then her elbow was back with a vengeance, pressing deep into my paraspinal muscles then directly over my spinous processes. The worst was still yet to come. She starting pressing on my upper back directly over my scapula and I could feel my muscles rubbing against the bone (as mentioned above, I hate this feeling). I tensed up which apparently was a sign to the masseuse to continue to work this area even harder and for a longer period of time (thank god we didn’t get the 90 minute massage for $2 more). Anyway this continued for what seemed like an eternity (just thinking about it right now is making my back cramp up), and finally the masseuses abruptly left. I breathed a sigh of relief and looked at Kat (who was half laughing, half apologizing to me).
“Is it over”, I asked? “I’m not sure” She replied. I suddenly felt that something was not right. It was similar to the point near the end of an action movie where you think that the villain just died, but it turns out he didn’t and in fact things are about to get worse.
Yep, that’s exactly what happened. The masseuses were back and I was on my stomach. Suddenly something warm was on my back. Actually not warm, but kind of hot. The object was pressing harder into my lower back. Actually not hot, scalding. I flinched as the searing object became too much to bear and in the process almost knocked my masseuse off of the table. She kind of laughed at me and let the object cool down a bit more before proceeding. Shortly after it was finally over. I can’t say that I was relaxed, but I had a certain amount of euphoria that seemed similar to a runner’s high.
Anyway, I probably sound like the typical ignorant American in telling this story. This is what Thai massage is, and it is my own fault for proceeding without doing much research into the practice. Some people, such as my wife enjoy such things. I must say that my masseuse was very deliberate and clearly well organized and trained, this just wasn’t for me. Next time I will opt for the simple back rub.
-AA
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